i guess i have chosen right

My life lately has been one biggest secret I've ever kept. I avoided revealing details, any kind of it, so I ended up being cold and untouched for most people who claimed theirselves close to me. Not that I meant to be cruel or disappointing to you guys, though. But believe me, when the time has come, everyone will know everything from every possible source they can find.

I can't believe Dewi Lestari shares the same vision towards separation as mine. It's not at all relieving, concerning myself has been on the most extreme opposing side of 'justification' since... ever. But reading along the paragraph that says a lot about separation in its relation to timing made me smiled.

I've always thought being totally fierce was much better than being half-nice that would only provides empty hopes to people you are being half-nice to. But it seems like, now is my time to get all my karma for everything, for all of my points of view are reversing itself right in front of me. I am in a dilemma here, between holding on to how I've always been and following the current--which is called 'mainstream'.

There's no point.

I wish my family would stop growing my anger. Because I have no outlets. I have never found my outlets.

- synta @ 2008-09-29 / 6:22 p.m.

my biggest fear was being left alone, but now i realized that being fooled is a lot worse

I forgot where I put the airplane tickets.

And for some reasons, I am now re-activating my written journal. Because then no one will get hurt for what I wrote, because there’re already too many people who got hurt for what I typed.

This morning I was late (again) for Leadership class. I was precisely six minutes late. Unlike last week, there were no locked doors or fierce tutor welcoming me, so I felt fine. Until when I was presenting my subject, about one or two sentences before it ended, the annoying bell distracted me. Fuck. But I guess it went pretty much okay.

Then I went to my habitat, just to feel the sanity of being in campus. I went straight to the third floor because I knew Diani was there. And then I saw a heart-stopping view that I prefer not to share here. Anyway, there was Tadya too, so it felt like a little accidental reunion. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s dinner! Can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait!

Anyway, after few hours gossiping, I went to apres! for my appointment with Kak Pepi. We planned to write a lyric for ”Intro for Sleeping” but then it turned out that she’d made another song to be worked on, and the song’s title was: ”Don’t Ask”. Friggin’ shit. Hahaha. Well, she made it by my request, though.

My nights became a stupid ‘let’s guess’ game lately…

And that’s all. I’ll have to get my eyes on my last assignment before holiday now. Hurrah!

- synta @ 2008-09-25 / 9:19 p.m.

me being selfish. me being me.

I got prepared too early for class, so I decided to write a post.

I truly understand people’s demand of control towards everything. Believe me, I do. Mr. Martinus told it to me repeatedly in his Ergonomic for Product Design classes. But I do understand, too, how gaining controls require time and efforts, especially when it comes to choose. The saddest part is, when we’re running out of time to make our decision, we won’t be on Family Feud, hearing the annoying ‘failed’ sign. When it comes to choices in life, when we don’t make decision, life makes its decision for us, because life is the most selfish thing people have to deal with—it must go on, no matter what.

And I am not life, but here I am making other person deal with the choice I’ve made him. So, now I must go on. Just like how life has been to me. Just like how life would be for him.

- synta @ 2008-09-19 / 8:37 a.m.

it was all nonsense, though

Mr. Cook has successfully made me listening to him. And by that I mean, that was all I had been doing in the past two days—listening to him.

Does anyone know where my appetite is? Yes, I know Mr. Cook took it away with him, but he must have put it somewhere, right? Now tell me, where is it?

- synta @ 2008-09-03 / 5:37 a.m.

sit down for a little tale

They said they weren't referring to me, but it doesn’t matter now. I am… a lucky bastard.

There was once a story of a girl who loved lollipops and can’t stand even one day left without trying new ones. She’d tasted the purple, pink, yellow, cyan, and even the brown lollipop. She was always ecstatic over the colors and she could not even start to think about the risk of too much candies. Of course she’d had few toothaches for consuming too much lollipops, but her passion towards them never fades.

Until one day she found a magenta lollipop she had never seen before, standing next to a purple-yellow lollipop she was always dreaming of tasting but never got the chance to. She decided to opt for the magenta because she could not imagine the pain she would have to take if she missed this shot, and then she would never be able to find another magenta lollipop. She realized it was a rare, a one in a million.

She impulsively took and finished it slowly; because it was a rare, of course. Once it was finished… she regretted having eaten even a tiny bit of it. The toothache it brought was unbearable she thought she would never get healed from it. She was traumatized; the pain of her tooth remained a vivid scar she could always recall.

So when one day she got the opportunity to get back to the lollipop stall and saw—once again—the magenta lollipop next to a purple-yellow lollipop, she straightly went for the purple-yellow. She thought she made the right decision.

But of course she did not.

And up until now, lollipops remain on the top of her list of ‘dislikes’. She can never forget the disappointment her used-to-be favorite thing brought her. She can never forgive lollipops. She can never forgive herself for even started tasting lollipops.

The end.

:-)

- synta @ 2008-09-02 / 7:26 p.m.

you will not stand in my way

I can’t stop musing about David Cook’s lyrics. Because I’m most probably gonna turn him into Cook’s position. But let’s say that’s just my worst assumption.

Yesterday and yester-night were quite surprising for me, despite the fact that I couldn’t find Autodesk’s 3dMax for Mac and I wouldn’t be able to work on my next week’s assignment. How is it possible that they don’t have any copies of that mainstream software? I guess everybody starts to give themselves short limits. Damn technology.

Anyway, if any of you happen to know me on Facebook, yes, it’s true. I currently can’t stop :-)-ing, can’t stop :’(-ing either. That’s how ironic life must be; I wonder how I could have not experienced it before. I should be able to be more careless and start to follow the current. Because… I can’t see any reason to not to.

What should I do if something that makes someone close to me happy starts giving me shiver?

- synta @ 2008-09-02 / 6:13 a.m.