why do you love me? it's driving me crazy

checkmate

Last night, with no intention to celebrate my first month of freedom, I called him. It was awkward at the first minutes.. Well, it was awkward until the end. But somehow the phone call made me realize that this really is the best for me. It eased the pain I've been crying endlessly, it eased how I see the word "break-up", it eased the feeling of seeing the TVRI building when I passed through it this morning, it eased my life for today (okay, and now is not even 12 p.m. yet).

Seriously, maybe this is the time I should start to enjoy being single. It's my first time for the last 3 years. Well, I was single when I broke up with my former ex, but there was already the substitute so it wasn't the real feel of being single, it was just.. well, a break. Whatever that means.

Or maybe this is just another form of the complex desperation I've been feeling. Who knows? As Tony Parker said on Interview with Ryan Seacrest, "That's still a million dollars question".

Truthfully, I've been thinking that I must've had something so complicated when it comes to a long-term relationship. Syndrome? Anomalies? Disease? Something like those.

You see, I've broken my two longest-term relationships for the sake of the same reason. I didn't feel loved as much as the love I gave. It felt like being treated unfair. I've never experienced being cheated - I hope I'd never have to - but I think the pain it brought is just.. identical.

Well the point is, I felt unloved by persons who - deep down inside, maybe - loved me so. Was it my over-demanding? Or was it something else I couldn't name until now?

I need a love doctor. Can you give me the number? It must've been 0809-something.

- synta @ 2006-05-28 / 11:39 a.m.

i am getting nowhere better

And everytime I tried to keep the relationship stays as friends, I always ended up fucked with tears.

What have I done to him - seriously?

- synta @ 2006-05-27 / 9:54 p.m.

move f*ckin on, honey. oh, just do it

Okay, maybe this would be me captured one year from now.

The dreamy refillable sketchbook sized A3 - or bigger - on my right palm, same hairstyle, only more noticeable layers and tinier conservative bang, dressed in some loose sleeveless shirt bought in Gedebage (please note, no electrashpop sense of style), a skinny cheapy jeans bought in ManggaDua, one more piercing on each ears - maybe more on the left, a (what was that thing called?) cylindrical plastic tube to hold papers slinged on my left shoulder. And a masculine guy with crewcutted head, looked macho head-to-toe, wearing Giordano jeans and a gray large sized (but still peeped his some-packed abs and muscular shoulder) to cuddle on.

Too much Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, it is.
Anyway, I've figured out that this guy whose name I stated above, has been instantly popular in some online journals (or they prefer to call it blogs). That is certainly what he deserves. I mean, he got an honor role to play in scenes where the only other hunk available to be called as a rival was the wrinkled aging Mr. Cruise. Needless to say more.

I'll be honest.

I've spent this whole day watching Dawson's Creek's 1^st season. I was prohibited to watch it when it was on TPI because my mom said I was too young to watch that genre of TV series. Well, I was only 10 or something, of course I wasn't allowed to watch someone who - years after the TV series played - had a silent baby-delivery with someone way older but shorter than herself. My mom was a true heroine of mine.

What's the point of being this cynical, anyway?

You guess.

Yes,
This should've been our 23^rd monthversarry.

The best present I got was one of American Idol's top two singing one of Whitney Houston's smashing hits. Wonderful wonderful.

Have I mentioned "pathetic"?

- synta @ 2006-05-24 / 10:09 p.m.

tour de parijs van java

So yesterday I went to Bandung in search of a living place for the next academic year. Well, it's always fun tripping around cities with my fave gank of artsy animals. Domba, Kecoa Bulan, Beruang.. You guys are awesome! :D

We took off about 8something a.m. from Alfa Pasar Minggu, arrived at somewhere near Dago and then getting hyperactively hurting our feet by walking around the city. Sport never feels that good. Hahah. We had our lunch at McD Simpang, then walk around Cisitu Baru (here, me and Dara found two so-so options for kos-kosan). Then the rain started to fall down and we have no place to protect ourselves from getting wet, so we took an angkot to bring us to Ciwalk. Done with Starbuck's Green Tea, we came back to the road. Next stop: Cisitu Lama. Pretty much options, but I wasn't sure about the environment. I don't really want to spend my next 4, 5, or maybe 6 years staring up to the window and seeing other dirty rooftops, other cold greyish walls, or even.. a mass-trashbin. No. Just no. So then we took another angkot to bring us around belakang Borromeus. Shortly, nothing really kicked ass, one was almost successfully getting my attention, but none worked for Dara. So we walked again to Comic's Corner, met Ica and Tya (BintangMerah 2005 - Fahmi's friends), some chitchats, then took another angkot to Kanayakan Baru where me and Dara finally got something agreed. It was Ica and Tya's kos-kosan. The facilities are among other places we had seen but it was not overpriced. Nice nice deal.

Then we took another angkot to have dinner, getting back to McD Simpang waiting for 4848 picking us up to get back to Jakarta....

Pictures.. ;)

Wonderful trip with great mates!^^

- synta @ 2006-05-22 / 10:49 a.m.

i really am

I'm gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers, the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe, in the spirit of love
it can heal all things
We won't hurt any more
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees, begging you please
Come home
Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me the reason
I'm down on bended knee

- synta @ 2006-05-19 / 11:03 p.m.

life, itself, is an endless studying phase

One thing for sure: I'm not discussing how my national exam had been.

I'm here praying for tomorrow's English final exam without even care to touch the copy of any materials. Pathetically relaxing and tense at the same time. But hey, it's English, mates, the one with the listening and lots of texts to be read. How can I really study listening and reading paragraphs?

Anyway,

Today happened to be the first day I passed (oh okay, at least until 9-something p.m.) without crying over James Blunt's 'Goodbye My Lover'. I'm not really sure of what stopped the tears spreading, but I have this news to tell. My ex sent me a supporting sms this morning. I'm not sure how was that impacting me, but somehow my mood has successfully been put up to the most of it since I read the text message. I even leaped when I saw his name appeared. ;p

Well, I guess he knew. Don't you think so?

Things to do to spend the whoole 3 months of holidays:

Sign up for a CCF class. Or at least care to give a call to it.
Oh, sport
Got the broken CDMA phone repaired. Or maybe afford a new one?
James Blunt's CD
Start a career at Blogskins.com

Too much? No agree.

- synta @ 2006-05-17 / 9:10 p.m.

i want my smile back. now. NOW!

Who is he, anyway?

UAN is coming within 6 days. That means less than a week left for me to prepare. And I'm still terribly irritated by what happened two weeks ago. God, when will You allow me to get over these?

Oh,
one of my classmates turned out to had a crush on me. Unfortunately, I'm not really in my best shape to crush him back and he's not even my type. So, I kinda.. refused to be crushed by him. Evil. Evil me. Udah bagus ada yang demen sin!

I have another news.

He has found someone to replace me.

I would've punched him on the face if I had the chance to. I mean, how could he replace our 22 months in a goddamn short term - by which I mean TWO WEEKS!?! It hasn't even been a month since our break up!

FuckFuckFuck.

Who's fucked? I am.

- synta @ 2006-05-12 / 12:32 p.m.

screaming in silence

I'm here now on an extreme point where I barely able to recognize what feeling's stacked in my heart now.

The tears had disappeared.
But the sincere laughs haven't come back yet.

I feel..
Empty.

Like a living gigantic machine head.

I feel cold. I am being cold.

- synta @ 2006-05-08 / 8:25 p.m.

hit me, amnesia

Pengen cepet-cepet ke Bandung..

- synta @ 2006-05-07 / 10:01 p.m.

xp this helps

I wonder what she has been doing to get a permission entering Vatican's church in..

this

As far as I know, even girls with hotpants are prohibited to enter. Was that all about the Lamborghini?

- synta @ 2006-05-06 / 7:59 p.m.

give me back my relaxed sundays

I know, I have to get over him.

I know.

I want my Saturday Nights back. I want my happiness back. I want my sincere laughs back. I want my true love back.

I gotta get rid of these tears.

Stand up strong, do more, expect less.

God, so many things to get done. At the time, I can't feel I'm getting any way better than I was at one day after the break up where I sobbed like hell. I wish he'd noticed, but what had he noticed about me all this time? Null.

I have to find someone else. I have to. It's on the top of my to-do list starting from now. Err.. Okay, it and 'become a better person'.

What's the actual definition of 'better' anyway?

- synta @ 2006-05-06 / 5:25 p.m.

life goes on and it's only gonna make me strong

So, I was finally able to get out of these depressing four walls. I always knew that I gotta go out, breathe some air of freedom to get out from this damaged phase I'm into. But I couldn't really expect having someone to accompanied me to have some fun when the hottest issue was the goddamn final school exam. I, too, was wondering if my ~~boyfriend~~ ex was having any disease related to sense of timing.

Anyway, the occasion was watching Mission Impossible III with my favorites - my friends from tenth grade. Quite entertaining and four thumbs for Jonathan Rhys-Meyers for the absoutely stunning gorgeous lovely eye-gluing good look. Oh I wish I'd have someone like you to replace him. :D

So..
Nyta, Dissa, Deeta, Anie, thanks for helping me forgetting all things about him for few hours. (though I'm sure that none of you were asking me joining you for that reason)

But really. I did thank God at the foodcourt. No, not when Deeta was letting me have some of her yummy potatoes, but when we laugh alot about those published weblogs (really, they published another blog following the success of kambingjantan.com. Sickening Indonesians), about our public enemy back there at tenth grade, even about Zumi Zola and Zumi Lazza having a father named Zumi-Zumi and a mother named Zuminten. :D That was hell lotta fun. We should do it more often. ..We should.

OOT,

Can you really believe someone was once here because he/she was googling for this?

God, help my country's people.

- synta @ 2006-05-05 / 7:59 p.m.

lousy poetry

I wanna be a dancer

That way I can express the saddest sad

And the joyest moment

I wanna be a dancer

That way I can make autobiography

Without really having to write

And I wanna be a dancer

So when you look at me

You'll remember me defining beauty

- synta @ 2006-05-04 / 10:28 a.m.

he moved on like changing a brand of cereals

I just watched Before Sunset. Such an inspiring movie. Beautiful. And of course, the Paris. I've always loved Paris. It's sexy. I wanna get my Master there soon.

Oh, about the whole break-up things.. I'm okay. I've moved on.

Whaddahell. You all know I lie alot. I've been repeating Samson's 'Bukan Diriku' continuously since yesterday.

Anyway, today is the last day of UAS. Thankfully I went through it nicely - or so I guess. Noone would ever know it was really good or an absolutely total mess instead until June 19th revealed it all. Just wish me a great luck. I'm starting to feel that I've wasted my portion of luck on that ITB's admission test.

I want to sign myself up for a CCF's class. I want to learn to speak France.

Anyway, some of things from my shop list.

1. Sleeveless tops. I rarely have any of them.
2. (still) a flip CDMA phone.
3. 'the magic cube'. Oh, I'm not really sure what's the exact name. It's the cube that contains of 6 colors and all we have to do is arranging the right colors onto the right side. It�s one of the famous children's games. Anybody knows where to find it?
4. DVDs
5. a new jeans.

I'm not gonna be able to afford all of the items above, for sure. I'm gonna have to choose some between them. And I currently think I'm gonna forget the CDMA phone. You know, it's all about the tight budget. I've never been that rich.

Ohoho.

I'm writing a post in short sentences again. Wonder what it means.

- synta @ 2006-05-03 / 4:01 p.m.