no, not with your head up there

I was looking at a picture of my friends who are now a couple and suddenly remembered my list of ’things to do before I die’ which I made on last Tuesday’s English class. Of course, these are not the exact list, I have a lousy memory.

what am i to you

It’s damn scary.

All things around me are spinning around this overwhelming circle.
Sickness, death, loneliness, broken hearts.

Except for the last one, those are the things that make me trembling myself from facing the new day.

I don’t know. I just really feel like crying at this very second. Something’s badly weighing my shoulders, something unbearable. It’s way too heavy I might be sure I can’t stand it any longer.

For God’s sake, all I need is just an endless crying session.

My mother’s sick and she’s alone in the most violent city of all, the capitol. I can’t imagine calling myself a human if I leave her that way. I just can’t. So I’m most probably going back to Jakarta tomorrow, first thing in the morning, perhaps.

Scary how sometimes I could turn my head upside-down when I felt like being on the bottom of my bottomless sinking mood well.

I could be nice when everything around me acted so cynically disturbing. Isn’t it quite magical?

I’m officially out of my mind. Somebody please, oh please, give me somefuckinhelp.

- synta @ 2007-03-22 / 10:39 p.m.

maybe it was. it could be really was.

I practically did nothing. I just followed the current and it lied me on to this.

My brother left me for Jakarta – no, honestly it was all about his new girlfriend who happens to be my one of my bestest friends in jhs – first thing this morning. I was half asleep when he said he was about to depart that I forgot last night he asked me to drive him to the travel agent’s office. Oh well, I’m still so sure that he wasn’t being that serious, though. He might be the first person of my long list of “persons who’d rather die by being a stuntman/woman in ‘Interview with the Real Vampire’ than by being my co-driver”. You know, for the sake of the reason that we’re all aware of.

Then I signed in to the net and found out that he was also online.

And that was how my day today perfectly started. It felt like it was well-arranged in some splendid way.

- synta @ 2007-03-18 / 10:32 p.m.

i can talk about us the whole night and day

Y : so he really did change the status?
X : yes, he did.
Y : *LOL*
X : what, interested in doing so?
Y : hey, let’s!
X : leeet’s!
Y : so what is it are we actually doing here? *LOL*
X : *LOL*

So that’s it, and everything went smooth.

you. :-)

- synta @ 2007-03-15 / 3:01 a.m.

i like being here, but no

We like each other but the circumstances told us to stop exactly on this line, so we did. And I hope we really are happy for feeling so relieved. Well, that’s all I can do – hoping.

Because you had successfully knocked the door and made me open it wide in bottomless uncertainty of whether I should allow you to get in or not. Nevertheless, you succeeded.

I have assignment waiting to be finished.
But…
Lalala~
I have a new stock of unwatched DVDs that seems waaaay more appealing. Sllrp!
Lalala~

Today should be jotted down as one of the days I feel magically un-upset during my worst period. :-)

- synta @ 2007-03-04 / 6:53 p.m.

you could never publish my love

I’m standing few inches from the line, stargazing, trying to make a decision whether to fall or head back.

And it takes more than million hours to decide.

I always push people around me to deal with their patience’s limit.

Good thing to start the month?

- synta @ 2007-03-02 / 1:37 a.m.