nothing's changed, i'm just a little older, that's all

One thing I learnt:
Letting someone get involved with you under the ambience related to some sentimental flings would only end up with you feeling miserable.

The whole idea of being related to someone is just too overwhelming for me. It might take me million years just to decide to say ‘yes’. It took my mind back and forth, it took my self through uncountable question marks, it took me to overview what I’d been through, took me to blurrily measure up the risks. It took a lot of efforts and I’m not ready to split my efforts yet. There’re so many things I need to be concentrated on and that particular thing is way on the bottom of the list.

Sometimes I hate myself for being so indecisive. Or should I just easily follow the current, you know, just to save the most of my efforts and energy?

What am I, a swinger?

- synta @ 2007-02-27 / 12:13 a.m.

i shouldn't have to spell his name

I hate Bandung’s weather nowadays.

okay, i'm standing on a point where i'm totally pointless

My level of disappointment has reached an amazing state and I apologize for all the hopes I’ve given. I just don’t want anyone else to experience this same miserable feeling. I only want what’s best for anyone, and I wasn’t even including myself when I mentioned ‘anyone’. I’m willing to feel any loss as long as I can make others suffer less, or even preventing them from feeling such disappointment. Selling out empty hopes is just way out of my favorite.

”Don’t ever start, so there’d be no possible space for any kinds of ends”

…
No, actually I’m just too frightened.

- synta @ 2007-02-19 / 8:28 p.m.

my life's hectic enough. so, please... would you?

Let’s think about it more.

It made me puke;
It usually ends in various ways that no one would ever describe as anything but horrible;
I’ve had numerous experience of it and never been truly happy for it;
It made me puke;
It over-occupied the amount of free space in my mind;
Not to mention the time that’d be so wasted for doing nothing;
It splits focus, it does;
It made me puke

Bad, bad thing.

- synta @ 2007-02-18 / 5:13 p.m.

it's late and i'm feeling so tired

I actually got nothing to tell. I just feel like posting something here.

Well, well.

I was watching the launching of ”LA Lights Indiefest compilation album” on a free pass last night. I bumped someone who was sitting on the floor by my left knee there. Not a pretty thing to tell.

Have I mentioned that I lost my ring and so stupidly considering it as a sign of ”something”?

I’m back to Corrine Bailey Rae’s “Trouble Sleeping”.

- synta @ 2007-02-11 / 10:55 p.m.

baby blue is born again

Last night I went to bed smiling for realizing a large number of probabilities that someone might have been succeeded in knocking the almost-been-closed-for-entire-rest-of-my-life petite door of my heart.

And sharply four hours later, I caught a diarrhea, plus, I puked.

What'd be the conclusion when you'd taken something to the inside and then after four hours passed you puked all over? Oh, and during those four hours, you were actually doing nothing but sleeping. Yes? Yes? Yes! Your body is fully reluctant to take those and that was the only possible way for it to tell you since it hardly has any ability to speak blatantly. It's just something inappropriate, unmatch, unfit, and highly rejected by the body.

Damn somebody tell me I'm not hopeless.

Anyway, I decided to start this semester with a strong urge to be more organized about my study, the whole assignments (in order to get myself enough sleeping hours so I wouldn’t keep being a time-bomb for people around me, or even a justification to be it), and – this is the hardest – the expenses. I’m becoming a devil for my own money, I could see my thorn doing the peek-a-boo everytime I tried to get something out of the black leather wallet. And, everybody’s right for guessing that the result didn’t quite turn out to be something I was hoping for.

Things should be taken care of:

say that you'll stay

It’s been heavily raining almost all day today. The air’s been cold, damp, and – therefore – unpleasant.

It’s so cold I think my tears are frozen now.

Thank you, so much, for being cold.

So, new semester’s only one day ahead and I’m freezing by how shocking it sounds. Oh, God, give me better luck.

I am really, really not in the mood for a post. I’m in the mood for paper scratching. I want to write something in privacy, not typing something to be published later. I’m in the mood for self-pity, for screaming in silence, mostly for crying my heart out loud, but the inhuman air temperature has frozen my tears to the last possible drop.

”You’re there across the hallway
Not watching
Staring
Gazing
Wondering
I can see your sight floating around me
But denial was the only proper thing to be dealt with
So I stare, gaze, and wonder
Against the path you’re leading me into”

Lousy.

- synta @ 2007-02-04 / 5:26 p.m.