everybody said i should be [blablabla]

Sometimes, standing in this point can be seemed wonderful and felt painful at the same time. I've been praying too much and I got what I've been praying for, but then that's just it. If this really is what's best for me, then fine. But how many more tears do I have to pay for the sake of true happiness?

'It's his loss' has successfully been my favorite phrase of the month. But am I really happy for saying it in every waking moment?

I'm not.

Why can't I just try to love the life I'm living in - without any expectation of having anything better but clearly also unreachable?
Aight, satisfaction, tell me now, do you have any real existence in this real life? Doubt it so.

My life's been this sullenly mysterious - even to my own self. It's hard to classify things between the 'need' and the 'want' - and don't even dare to ask me what's 'important' and what's 'essential' - 'cause I'm currently blind, deaf, and frozen. Or at least my life is. No, actually it's only one part of it. Oh wait, it's something unnecessary that's frozen.

Then why must I be the one who rambles a lot about something?

Blah.

- synta @ 2006-08-14 / 1:33 p.m.

been there, done that, fucked him

sulit untuk kuucapkan selamat tinggal lagi
sebab mungkin aku kan kembali
meski benci di saat kita terpisah
hanya engkau lah mimpiku

di dalam hatiku kurasa ada ragu pada dirimu
di dalam jenuhku masih ada dalam hati
kasihku padamu

mungkin kita telah lama menutup diri
kini tiba waktunya berhenti saling benci
kuinginkan dirimu memimpikan aku juga

seperti ku yakin saat ini
kau rasakan juga sesal di hatimu

Last night one of the greatest friends I've ever had, the one who always been a shoulder for me to cry on (no, actually it was an ear to hear me whine, whatever) since I broke my latest relationship, suddenly texted me and told me that he was in a horrible trouble. I was confused, considering I've rarely been chosen to be a place for someone to share their troubles.

But after few hours later he called me and told the whole story, I realized I might be a master in his case. It was similar to the story I've been dying to post here - but can't, for the sake of my dignity - just a little twist on the 'cast & crew' section. In my version of story, I am destined to be the bad girl, holding the antagonist role whose main job is slaughtering a person discreetly. In his version, it was upside down. He's the one whose heart's been slaughtered.

Why him?

Because I've shared most of my guilty feeling to him?
To slap me in the face, made me realize how hard it must be for my victim?

Or was it simply.. something else?

Oh my dearie victim, don't dramatize this for the sake of your own happiness. Believe me, I've been victimized in a long time before you started. I know how it feels, I've experienced it, I live with it, I survive, then so will you. So stop praying that I'd stop, will you?

- synta @ 2006-08-03 / 6:33 a.m.

~ nanana gasolina

NEEEW LAAAYOOOUUT!! -feedback pls!

Happens to keep guessing whose pictures I put here as the new skin? She's one hella wonderful teenager (only 19!) who fortunately now having a marvelous career as a model, named Gemma Ward. I don't idolize her, I just love to see her face and am a biggest fan of her silhouette. Such a beauty.

Yesterday, a reunion occured!

It was a reunion with my besties at junior high - Rea, Arni, Ina, Dydy, Dea, Boy/Nda, Ginta - and they were all screaming the same thing when they saw me for the first time yesterday.. "Syntaa.. gila kurus amat!"

Oh well, I don't really agree with that.

Except that when I was attending Cosmic's coach mourning moment on Sunday (yes, he's unbelieveably.. gone xC ), Kak Aya shortly commented that I looked like a walking skeleton.

...

Well, on the brighter side, that's one step closer to Gemma Ward's silhouette! x)

Piiictuuureees!~~ Aye aye

- synta @ 2006-08-01 / 1:40 p.m.